My name is Christine, I am 23 years old and I was born and raised in Copenhagen, Denmark. I have Personality Disorder of Borderline type (BPD), and I want to share my story with you.
For a long time, I have gone back and forth about wanting to write about my experiences. It is something that is extremely personal and hard to talk about, but in the end, I decided to do it. I know there are a lot of people who keep quiet about their emotions because they’re afraid of the outcome and what people might think. I was exactly the same. But the more we talk about the things people don’t know enough about, the more awareness we’re going to create. That is exactly my purpose of this blog.
So many times, I’ve felt incredibly alone with this diagnosis. It’s been difficult and it’s been exhausting. The name “non solum” means “never alone” in Latin, which is my message with this – whatever you’re dealing with, you are never alone. I want to tell you my story, from when it all started to how I feel now, and how I ended up with this diagnosis. But I also want to take you on my journey away from the bad and towards the good.
My hope for this is to give a greater understanding about a mental illness we don’t talk about enough and take you through every part of recovering and accepting yourself. So let’s get started! My first few posts will be my story, and I really hope you’ll sit tight and read it all:
Before I start, I would like to say that I won’t mention any of the reasons behind my diagnosis, as I don’t want to put anybody on the spot. Some names will be mentioned, but these are people who have agreed to be a part of it.
It is extremely hard for me to say when my story actually started. I think a lot of the stuff you go through dealing with this ends up being confusing and blurry. When I look back, I think it all started my first year of high school. I was 16 years old and saw myself as a typical teenager. I thought everything going on in my mind was something any normal teenager would be thinking.
I would always feel extremely alone, no matter how many people were around me. I would lie about stupid stuff, that didn’t really matter just so other people would like me more and think I was worth something. I would constantly make sure to be the loudest, the happiest and the craziest so I would get the attention all the time. But while I was doing all these things, I got more and more annoyed with myself for trying too hard.
Every day I would come home and spend hours being angry at myself for the stupid things I had done that day – but I just couldn’t stop doing it. I would wake up the next morning and do the exact same thing all over again. I was so scared of losing people around me if I changed. So instead I kept going and kept being angry at myself.
At one point, I started putting a lot of thought into little things my friends would do that would seem silly to other people. The smallest things could hurt my feelings so bad I didn’t even know how to cope with it. It could be something as simple as one of my friends taking a seat away from me so there would be room for another friend in-between us. My thoughts would immediately go to “she hates me. She doesn’t want to sit next to me. She’s probably going to speak badly about me behind my back. They don’t want to be my friends”. I just couldn’t control it. It was like a whole different part of me just took over and thought everybody was out to hurt me. I didn’t say anything to anybody. I would just get quiet and annoyed, and my friends would think it was strange.
Looking back at it now, I see that I was actually pushing people away from me doing exactly this. My biggest fear was losing people around me, but I pushed them away by thinking the worst and letting everything get to me. I didn’t know what it meant, which is why I never told anybody about my thoughts. I was so sure all my thoughts were just regular teenage thoughts, and that everybody else felt the exact same way. So instead of talking about it, I just got more and more angry with myself.
At one point, I had been mad at myself for so long that I totally forgot what it felt like to love yourself. This is when things started to get really bad.