Letting go

My life seemed to be on the right track. I had started my bachelor’s degree, and it all went really well. The only thing was that I didn’t feel like I was enough. I got all these new friends, who were all more than amazing, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I would be left alone. I still felt myself expecting the worst, and always thinking they were out to get me. I could feel how much it bothered them, cause they never gave me any reason to think that way, but I just couldn’t stop it. I guess you can say I was living in my own reality in that sense that I thought my thoughts were what was actually happening.

One day, I was going to an event about schools around the world, as I wanted to do my 5th semester abroad. I had been at work earlier in the day and I had been really upset the whole time. It’s hard to explain exactly what I was feeling, but I’m going to try.

I think the best way to describe it is, I felt empty. I would normally feel empty, but this was a different kind of empty. It was more of an “I give up” kind of empty. I felt anxious, powerless and angry all at the same time, and I remember feeling those feelings all the way to my fingertips. I was shaking, I was nauseous and I was confused. The emptiness had taken over my entire body and made me feel all these things that were way too much for me. But as always, I tried to keep my cool. And I did. I don’t know if my two friends I was at the event with knew something was up, I don’t think I ever talked to them about it, but I was really trying to keep the fact that I was having a breakdown a secret.

Earlier that day, when at work, I had texted my mom to tell her something was wrong. She got really nervous and thought I was sick, and I had to explain to her that this was something else. She wanted me to go home, but I decided to go to the event, even though she told me it was a bad idea. Looking back, she was right. Cause when I left the event, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I had to text my mom to pick me up at the train station, as I felt the feelings getting worse and worse, and I was scared what would happen. I remember seeing my mom at the train station, running to her, and then I don’t have any memory after that. The next thing I really remember is lying in her bed and not feeling like I had the ability to speak.

Later on, my mom told me what had happened. She said I hugged her, and just completely lost it. I started crying uncontrollably, saying that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was shaking and I was completely out of it. She, of course, got extremely nervous and got me into the backseat of her car where I just laid and cried the short way home. She told me that when we got home, and she got me out of her car, she looked me in the eyes and it was like turning off a TV, as she described it. My eyes were blank, she saw nothing there. No emotions, nothing. That is when she got me into her bed and here my memory starts coming back.

She kept trying to talk me, cause she was so concerned, but I didn’t respond to anything. She said I didn’t even look at her, but how it was like I looked straight through her. She was so scared that she decided to call an emergency phone we have in Denmark. They really helped her and told her that they could have a team come meet me the next day. She, of course, said yes to that, but because I was over 18, I had to say yes over the phone. I remember how much I had to fight to say that yes. But I did and my mom agreed on a time with them.

After I had been at my mom’s for a while, I suddenly felt the need to go home to my own apartment. I again struggled to get the words out, but I did and my mom unwillingly agreed to let me go, if my best friend, Leen, went with me. She called her and she spent the night with me in the apartment. I’m still so grateful for the fact that she did that for me. Cause I wasn’t fun to be around, that’s for sure! But she just talked to me, and I started talking a little bit more again.

The next day, the team from the hospital came and I had my mom and Leen by my side. At first, I was a little bit shocked. I had expected it to be just a psychologist or something like that, but in came a psychologist, a doctor and a nurse. They all sat down in front of me and asked me if I wanted to talk to them alone or with my mom and Leen there. I chose to have them with me.

They started asking me a bunch of questions about what happened, what I was feeling when it happened, and how I was feeling now. I was still struggling with talking but I knew that I had to try as hard as I could. They also asked my mom and Leen how they had seen it. At one point they asked me about suicidal thoughts. At this point, I broke down and asked to talk to the team alone.

I didn’t want to talk about that in front of them because of two things: 1. The last time they heard about my suicidal thoughts a few years earlier, they were so unbelievably sad, and I didn’t want them to hear how it was still something in my mind. 2. Nobody knew that I had actually started thinking about how I would do it. Actually planning it. It’s really hard for me to admit this, as this is something a lot of people who know me, still don’t know about. I was at a very dark place and I thought that would be my only option. Today, I’m so unbelievably thankful that I had this breakdown. Cause it saved me.

I told the team about this, and when we were done talking they called my mom and Leen back. They told them that they thought it would be best for me to be admitted to the hospital in their psychiatric department. I felt so relieved when they said that. I was scared, cause it sounds so scary, but I was relieved. I didn’t have to hide anything anymore. I would be able to get help with all these things I didn’t understand. This was my first step towards a better understanding of myself.

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