The other day, I had a talk with my boyfriend about me and my thoughts, and I decided I would let you in on some of the things that came up.
Trying to explain to other people what goes on in your head, can be extremely hard. I’m lucky enough to have a boyfriend who really tries his best to understand and listen to me. But sometimes, my reactions or thoughts are so extreme that it can be very hard for him to understand. And I get it! Cause honestly, I don’t even understand.
So we were talking about my thoughts and how they just all of a sudden go to the worst case scenario. Even though I’ve tried to put into words what happens so many times, I never really find the right way to say it. But this time I told him:
“Imagine a flock of wild horses. Imagine them standing there eating grass. All of a sudden, they start running as fast as they can. They run towards a goal they see out in the distance. And when they get there, they stop, and that’s their new spot”
When I explained it like that, I had a feeling it made a little bit more sense. Cause that is almost exactly what happens. I can sit in my bed, and be completely relaxed and then all of a sudden I’m thinking “my boyfriend is cheating on me” because he didn’t reply for an hour. So my thoughts just start running. Then it gets worse, and the keep going. It normally ends up being “he’s probably been doing this our whole relationship” or “he never even loved me”. And honestly, I just hurt my self. That’s the goal. I try to hurt my own feelings. Once I’ve freaked myself out enough and made myself hurt, that’s where I stay.
This is where I really had to change and get out of my comfort zone. As I said, I’m lucky enough to have a boyfriend who really tries to understand. So what I had to start doing, was to speak up. Cause when I would get to that place where I had freaked myself out, I would find myself getting angry with him. What I had thought out in my head was my reality.
I won’t lie, at first it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Actually opening my mouth and tell the person I love what was going on in my head. Letting him in on all that crazy. I was sure he would leave me if he knew what I was actually thinking, and that it could happen without any warning.
But the first time I opened up and told him, he listened. He just sat there and listened to all this stuff that had no truth to it. And then he just said “that’s okay, I get weird thoughts too. Just means we love each other so much we don’t want to lose each other”. I was speechless. Cause it’s true!
People who suffer from BPD usually love so much and to the extreme, and that’s why we’re so scared of getting hurt. I believe we imagine all these things to protect ourselves cause then we are in some way prepared for the worst.
I found that’s something other people find hard to understand, and that’s why trying to explain yourself as well as you possibly can, means so much. The more we keep explaining, the more people will understand!
I understand the anxiety about opening up and talking about it, cause what if they don’t understand? What if they think you’re dumb and they leave? Trust me, I know those thoughts and they are the worst. But then again, what if they actually do understand? And what if they want to know more? Maybe help you?
To me, that sounds way better. It took me a while to get here, but now that I am it makes a lot of sense. If you don’t feel like you can tell other people about your thoughts, feel free to tell me! What are some of the thoughts you have had? Let’s start talking! ❤️<<