I’ve been going back and forth about writing this post, cause I’m honestly a little bit embarrassed. But I have so many people supporting me, which made me realize it’s okay! So here goes nothing:
I turned 24 on November 25th and I had an amazing weekend away with my boyfriend. We had a ton of fun and he really spoiled me. But on my birthday, I spent some of the day being really quiet. I was quiet, because my head was filled with a billion thoughts I couldn’t control.. I was honestly having a major crisis in my head.
The reason behind this crisis is basically that I didn’t feel like I had enough time to do the things I want to. This may sound very extreme for a person turning 24, cause I have my whole life in front of me. But I have some medical things that made me really stressed out.
I was born with one kidney and one ovary. I have known about my kidney since I was 10 and it’s not something I ever really notice. But I found out about me missing an ovary as well, when I was 20. It was really hard for me to understand and I got really upset. I was at that age where I was starting to think about kids in my future, and all of a sudden they hit me with “you need to have your children before 30”.
That sentence has been on my mind almost every day since. And that sentence is why I freaked out on my birthday. I all of a sudden felt like I wouldn’t be able to make it. How would I have time to get married first, finish my masters AND have kids before 30?
Now, my problem is that I don’t stop there. My BPD is making all these thoughts even more extreme. So what started out with “I don’t have enough time” turned into “then I’ll never have children, my boyfriend will leave me, I’ll be alone forever”, which made me really freak out!
When my boyfriend and I went out for dinner that night, I told him about everything happing in my mind. He said the cutest and most clever thing to me:
“You already found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. You already found the person you want to have kids with. You already did the hardest part of getting to that future”. And my god is that true! When I heard him say that, I felt way more calm.
But honestly, feeling calm doesn’t last too long for me. Cause of course all those thoughts came back really quickly.
I just think I’ve reached a stage where I’m starting to freak out over life catching up with me. I feel like everything is going so fast, and I haven’t done the things I wanted to do before 24, which sounds weird because it’s so young. I just don’t know how to shake that feeling.
I’m really hoping I’ll be able to feel better soon, cause it’s exhausting. But for now, I just try to talk about these feelings with the people who are close to me – and now I’m telling you too!
Have you ever experienced something like this? Let me know!