Okay, this post is going to be about something that makes me really uncomfortable, and me admitting something I thought I would just keep to myself, which is: I’m so unbelievably scared!
So scared! I’m not scared like a girl running away from a man in a mask in a horror movie, or like a child scared of the dark. No, I’m scared of looking like an idiot! Every single time I write a new blog post. When I press “publish” I get this weird feeling in my gut and then the thoughts just start rolling in.
The thoughts are usually “people are going to think this is so stupid” or “people are going to talk bad about my writing” or something like that. I think these thoughts are pretty normal when you put yourself out there like I am choosing to do, especially when you share your story with so many strangers. But honestly, my fear isn’t mainly with sharing my story with strangers. I can spend hours thinking about the people who know me and what their reaction to what I’m doing might be. I think about the people close to me or people who just know me, and I think “they are all laughing at me. They think it’s stupid and they think I’m dumb for doing this”. The funny thing is, I think about the same few people every time I go through these thoughts.
It’s almost like I’m looking for the approval from these people. I started thinking about why, and I think I found out what the reason is. When I first started my blog, I posted about it on my personal Facebook account. I got so many positive comments and support from my friends and family, but instead of focusing on that, I started thinking about the people who didn’t say anything. People I thought would support me but who never said anything about this brave thing I thought I had done. I guess I felt like they didn’t care.
Those people are the ones I’m scared of when I post. How crazy is that? The people who were passive! I don’t know if they actually read what I write or if they don’t care what I have to say, but they scare me. I seem to convince myself that they didn’t say anything because they think it’s dumb and that’s why they are judging everything I’m writing. The feeling of being judged can be really overwhelming and sometimes makes me want to stop.
But while I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize how dumb that actually is. They might not think what I’m doing is the right thing, and they might not want to support me in it. But who cares? There are SO many people supporting me throughout this journey! Most of my friends, all of my family, my boyfriend and the followers I’ve gotten this far. I appreciate that so much!
When I get messages asking for advice on how to deal with mental illness, or when I get emails saying I inspired others to start speaking up, it just reassures me that what I’m doing is the right thing and that I’m actually helping people. I need to start focusing more on that, than on being scared.
So a big thank you to all my followers for supporting me and showing me I’m doing the right thing. I need to focus on that when I get scared!
So I guess this time I’ll have to say: I’M Non Solum!