The fear of being honest

Okay, this post is going to be about something that makes me really uncomfortable, and me admitting something I thought I would just keep to myself, which is: I’m so unbelievably scared!

So scared! I’m not scared like a girl running away from a man in a mask in a horror movie, or like a child scared of the dark. No, I’m scared of looking like an idiot! Every single time I write a new blog post. When I press “publish” I get this weird feeling in my gut and then the thoughts just start rolling in.

img_7441The thoughts are usually “people are going to think this is so stupid” or “people are going to talk bad about my writing” or something like that. I think these thoughts are pretty normal when you put yourself out there like I am choosing to do, especially when you share your story with so many strangers. But honestly, my fear isn’t mainly with sharing my story with strangers. I can spend hours thinking about the people who know me and what their reaction to what I’m doing might be. I think about the people close to me or people who just know me, and I think “they are all laughing at me. They think it’s stupid and they think I’m dumb for doing this”. The funny thing is, I think about the same few people every time I go through these thoughts.

It’s almost like I’m looking for the approval from these people. I started thinking about why, and I think I found out what the reason is. When I first started my blog, I posted about it on my personal Facebook account. I got so many positive comments and support from my friends and family, but instead of focusing on that, I started thinking about the people who didn’t say anything. People I thought would support me but who never said anything about this brave thing I thought I had done. I guess I felt like they didn’t care.

Those people are the ones I’m scared of when I post. How crazy is that? The people who were passive! I don’t know if they actually read what I write or if they don’t care what I have to say, but they scare me. I seem to convince myself that they didn’t say anything because they think it’s dumb and that’s why they are judging everything I’m writing. The feeling of being judged can be really overwhelming and sometimes makes me want to stop.

But while I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize how dumb that actually is. They might not think what I’m doing is the right thing, and they might not want to support me in it. But who cares? There are SO many people supporting me throughout this journey! Most of my friends, all of my family, my boyfriend and the followers I’ve gotten this far. I appreciate that so much!

When I get messages asking for advice on how to deal with mental illness, or when I get emails saying I inspired others to start speaking up, it just reassures me that what I’m doing is the right thing and that I’m actually helping people. I need to start focusing more on that, than on being scared.

So a big thank you to all my followers for supporting me and showing me I’m doing the right thing. I need to focus on that when I get scared!

So I guess this time I’ll have to say: I’M Non Solum!

 

 

6 thoughts on “The fear of being honest

  1. i’ve been there too. i’ve ever experienced the same fear too. but then i keep telling to myself that when i’m doing something. that’s because i want to do it. i’m writing because i want to write, because i need to let all those thougths/feelings out of my brain/chest. how people perceive my writing, how many readers that read my blog, or how many people who give positive feedback, those are just bonus points.

    keep writing and inspire others, Christine 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i’ve been there too. i’ve ever experienced the same fear too. but then i keep telling to myself that when i’m doing something, that’s because i want to do it. i’m writing because i want to write, because i need to let all those thougths/feelings out of my brain/chest. how people perceive my writing, how many readers that read my blog, or how many people who give positive feedback, those are just bonus points.

    keep writing and inspire others, Christine 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. terhi lehtonen

    Hi – I have BP II…but really to me its all the BP there is. Im scared too. Alot. Im advocating strongly and gollow your instagram. I have a personal instagram where of course There are lots of pics of my kids and happy moments. But also posters I made to advocate. Not much notice for those. I dont think all my contacts eben know I have BP Disorder. Should I just make a poster on my personal page or start a bew instagram. My kuds are 23 and 24 and know quite well how BP challenges us.
    Also. Im scared to make comments or talk to people in public or go out even as I just dont think I matter always and probably just look stupid or say something odd and norm to me but maybe to them nit so much. So i go nowhere much really. My social life is zero from years of super social to now nothing. Time with my kids when I can as they are on their own. Home with my Therapy Dog ” Donut”. Work online. And I have a fiance now coming up on 1pyrars Feb 9th. No plans. Again. What can I do? This last Raptors Basketball game was really hard and we had to leave. We always have gone to Basketball and Baseball games and now they are out.
    I never would of thought this super organized do ut all single mom with a big social life and friends….is now literally in this state. I have 3 people in my life I see and Donut. Plus my Therapists.
    Should i make the poster?
    You are amazing and inspiring. Please give me your thoughts. I really want to do it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey there! I think that’s something you need to really think about and make sure how you feel about it. I personally think everyone should share their story so we can break the stigma, but I also know how scary it can be. So really make sure you’re ready to share this part of you with the world. And then just go for it! I’ll support you!
      As for the Instagram thing, it’s really up to you. I made a separate account for the blog as I felt more comfortable keeping it separate. So it’s really whatever you feel comfortable with yourself.
      I think sharing your story with others on social media like Instagram, will show you how many people have the same struggles as you, and I’m thinking that can really help you on your way to becoming social again. Once you see how much support you get from others, it might give you the courage back to start doing more stuff. Just please remember to listen to yourself! If you’re not comfortable with going out, or sharing your story, than take a deep breath and think things through. Sometimes setting up the pros and cons have worked for me!
      I looked at your Instagram and I think your posters are great! I think you should keep doing them!
      I hope I was a little helpful, and feel free to email me at nonsolumblog@gmail.com if you want to talk more!

      Like

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